Why You're Always Putting More into a Relationship than What You're Getting Out

Ever wonder why it seems like all you do is give, give, give, in your relationship but seem to be getting little to nothing in return? Well, I have news for you, you're not alone! To better understand the reasoning behind this, we first must take a much deeper look into the definition of a couple of key terms.

Relationship: According to

dictionary.reference.com

1. A connection, association, or involvement.

2. A connection between persons by blood or marriage.

That's the general theme you'll see if you Google search the word relationship. Pretty generic, right? Let's look at another.

Marriage: Any of the diverse forms of interpersonal union established in various parts of the world to form a familial bond that is recognized legally, religiously, or socially, granting the participating partners mutual conjugal rights and responsibilities and including, for example,opposite-sex marriage, same-sex marriage, plural marriage, and arranged marriage:
*Anthropologists say that some type of marriage has been found in every known human society since ancient times.

Again, a very generic definition that doesn't really help us determine anything that we didn't already know. Did you notice that the word "Love" wasn't found in either definition?

The sad (but accurate) truth of the matter is, you don't have to be in love to be in a relationship, or hell -- even a marriage for that matter!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you have to be in love to enter into a relationship with someone, or even that you should be. I do believe you should at least recognize that potentially the party you are entering into a relationship with is someone you may come to love and want to love.

If not, then you are either wasting your time, his/her time, or you're just one of those "players" who bounces from one person to the next and often has multiple partners at one time.

Now, if you consider yourself a so called "player", can you please do me a favor? LEAVE THIS SITE NOW! This information is not for you and I'm only interested in helping those with true relationship problems -- NOT people who deliberately bring these situations on themselves because, how do they put it, "I just wanna have fun."

Give me a frigging break! There are people out there who are really hurting and looking for answers and hope. And hell, you're probably the type of person that has caused them this kind of heartache to begin with!

Now, where was I? Oh yeah, we were going to go into my definition of the terms listed above.

Relationships and Marriages are Similar to a Business Contract

Maybe not at the very beginning stages of a relationship, but if you're more than a few months in, 

then you have to start thinking about your relationship as a business contract. A marriage is most 

certainly a contract, and a legal one at that. 

If after a few months of dating you find that the infatuation is starting to wear off, and you don't often think about strangling your partner, then it's time to start thinking about what you have to offer them in your relationship (i.e. your time, cooking skills, cleaning skills, organizational techniques, etc).

Now take a moment to think of that in reverse.  What do they have to offer you?  What is it that you want out of them?  What are the absolute necessities and some of the things you can live without? 

If you're thinking about taking that next step, and moving in together, then you really have to spend some serious time thinking about those questions. Also, just because they have something to offer in return, doesn't necessarily mean that they will.

Communication becomes a key element at this point. If you think you're comfortable enough with the person to live with them, then don't be afraid to talk to them.

Ask him/her straight out. Be blunt.

"I have really been enjoying the time we spend together, but I need to know, where do you see this relationship heading?"

"Can you envision a future with me?"

This may seem too direct to some of you, but do you really want to waste any more time than you already have with the wrong person if they aren't willing to commit to the same level that you are?

I can hear you stammering now, "But Ben, I really like him/her." "What if he/she takes it wrong and thinks that I'm proposing, or about to propose marriage?"

My answer would be, you're about 90% right! With how indirect and passive most people still are in the beginning stage of relationships, most people probably would think that you're about to propose. But that's exactly what you want.

Not actually to propose, of course, but to catch them off guard so you can get an honest answer. After you gauge their response, reaction, and hesitation time, you should be able to (with a certain degree of accuracy) determine just how "into you" they really are.

Then go back to one of the major cornerstones of your relationship, communication.

At that point, if you feel it necessary, you can tell them that you aren't talking marriage or anything, but just wanted to know where you stand with them. If their answer wasn't what you wanted to hear and you feel a little awkward and embarrassed now, then you can always play it off as a joke.

"What, you mean you're not ready to get married and have three kids together, and live in a house out in the country, with a white picket fence and wrap-around porch?"

"What's the matter with you?"

"Don't you know what you'd be missing?"

All said in the most sarcastic tone of voice you can muster up, of course.  Then you both have a good laugh about it and explain you were just joking.

Either way, at least now you should have a good understanding as to where you stand in your current relationship. Is it time to move on? Did he/she at least acknowledge that they can see a potential future with you in it in their vision?

If so, great! It may be time to take it to the next level. If you didn't get the answer that you expected or hoped to get, maybe give it another three months at maximum and then re-evaluate the question.

I definitely wouldn't waste more than six months of my time with the wrong person, though. Life is too short and there are too many fish in the sea.

If you've decided to give it another three months and you still feel like things are standing still in your relationship, then you've hit a roadblock and it's definitely time to move on.

The reason for this roadblock can often be a surprising one. Unless one of you are just a player and not looking for a serious committed relationship with potentially limitless and fulfilling rewards, then the answer may lie in the way each of you love.

Make no mistake, there are a variety of different ways you can love someone. Even the way you love right now is probable to change at some point in time.

Love can be broken down into two main categories. The number of branches from those categories is so vast that I couldn't cover all of them if I wanted to.

No one even knows all of the subcategories because each individual, each relationship, is unique, and everyone sees and feels things in their own perspective. That said, let's take a closer look at the two broad categories listed below that I am covering in this post.

Love is loosely Broken down into Two Main Categories

Why do I say this? Because there's that "First True Love" kind of love (aka puppy love) and then there's "Realistic Love" which basically breaks down into how the rest of the world goes about loving someone (whether they want to admit it or not).

For those of us who fall into the "Realistic Love" category, we understand (hopefully) the difference between infatuation, attraction, and actual love.

We know that nobody is perfect and either is any relationship. There will be faults, arguments, good days, bad days, nights where I have to sleep on the couch … Oh, I mean nights where "You" may have to sleep on the couch … ahem.

Realistic lovers make it work through the good times and bad (hopefully), and rely heavily on whether or not the benefits of the relationship outweigh the negatives.

"What are they bringing to the table that I really benefit from?" 

"Is it equal to what I'm putting in?"

These are both common questions realistic lovers ask themselves on a continuous basis. For the sake of simplicity, let's call "First True Love" category 1 love, and "Realistic Love" category 2.

Here's a closer look at each category.

Category 1: People in this category are lucky enough, skilled enough, and have worked hard enough to make their "First Love" their ONLY love and really meant it when they said "Till death do us part."

Seriously, can you remember how it felt, or feels, that first time you fell in love? There's nothing else like it!

Then there is...

Category 2: People in this category weren't able to make it work out in that first "true love" relationship (or maybe they skipped that part all together).

Be it his fault or her fault, or maybe both played a part in it, in the end it doesn't really matter.

I don't believe you will ever again TRULY feel the way you did that first time. If by chance you do, hang onto it, because hopefully, people in this category learned what people in category 1 seemed to always know.

Love and relationships are hard work! Marriage is a business contract. It's not always rainbows, and fairy-tale endings.

If you want stellar results, you have to put in stellar work, make compromises, and choose your battles wisely -- because trust me -- you're not going to win them all, and by trying, you'll only manage to pick so many fights, that one or both of you will end up walking away.

If, someone who has yet to experience category 1 love, happens to fall for someone in category 2 -- and the person from category 2 ends up being their "First True Love", then that's when things really begin to get complicated.

The category 1 person is always going to feel like they are putting more in than what love they are getting back out of their relationship.

Unfortunately, most of us learn just a little too late what a relationship is supposed to be, or God forbid, what a marriage is supposed to be. It's a business contract.

Both parties should understand going in that there will be "ups","downs", and "in-betweens". It's really all about; what can he put on the table to make her life more pleasant and fulfilling?

What can she bring to the pot that will be most helpful to him? If the "contract" seems lopsided to you, then it probably is!

In that event, you definitely shouldn't move forward and it's time to re-evaluate your relationship. At the very least, put it on pause, go back to the drawing board, and come back to the "contract" once you BOTH have something useful to bring one another to the relationship.

Sure, it's much deeper than that, and there are potentially many more relationship categories than the 2 mentioned above, because we are all unique individuals with our own unique feelings and perspectives.

And yeah, I downplayed it with the whole, "business contract" and whatnot, but mainly to get my point across. This is something I have spent many days and nights pondering over in my head, sitting alone, with no TV playing, no music, no one talking to me, just staring off into the distance, thinking.

Conclusion

This is some of the best stuff I have come up with as to why some relationships work and some don't.

As well as, why it sometimes feels like you're putting more in than you are getting out.

So why am I giving away FOR FREE some of my best ideas, practices, and thoughts? I mean, I've just passed 2,000 words for crying out loud! The reason is simple.

I did it to help you, the readers, and hopefully keep you from making some of the same mistakes that I've made in the past. After all, isn't that what it's all about? Helping people?

So now, can I ask you a favor? Can you share this article with your friends and family? Not just so I can increase traffic to my blog either (though that would be nice), but because you never know what's really going on in someone's life at any given point in time. 

This article may really help someone re-evaluate their current relationship, and get them to demand that they receive the type of love they deserve. The type of love that they've been putting in the entire time, but getting little to nothing back in return.

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If you're interested in any "one-on-one" coaching, please let me know. I would like to hear from you in the comments section below. Do you agree or disagree with my thoughts on this post? Once again, thanks for reading!